Words of a Troubled Mind
by Soul of Ashes
Summary: Something very old that I wrote, based off of a role-playing story I had going on with a friend of mine! Cain is very troubled...


Author's Note: Really, really old Role-playing based thing I did. Basically, Cain goes to school in Balamb Garden, and he has this huge crush on another guy named Raven, whom my friend plays. I play Seifer, Rion and Squall. Which is neat... cuz I get to play with them, muahaha... but anyway, we started this world over (like, clean slate, wiped the story board clean) but I just dug this up today and decided it would be something interesting for you to read.

PS: Cain is a druggie. He parties, gets raped, and enjoys a bit of angst all to himself. There are no dates, but it goes along in a chronological manner. Enjoy!

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I will not allow myself to get angry with Raven again. I will make a code for myself, and enforce it myself. God save my soul... I went on the computer, and then the entity spoke to me. It knew my thoughts! How intriuging...

Anyway, I have begun to write this journal mainly to keep tabs on what's going on in my life, and not to lose face whenever things get...confusing. I will go onto the computer now, and copy the conversation through the printer.

I start the conversation:

How do you get onto my screen like that?

i am not a virus. you know what I am, cain, so I needn't explain. do i?

You're not a very smart A.I., then. You're not capitilizing your letters correctly.

Does it matter?

No.

You can still understand me, can't you?

What do you want with me? You contact me as though you were a psychic with a mind powerful enough to hurt me from so great a distance. You search for me. You find me on the computer and now you're speaking to me. I want anwers and I want them now, creature.

If you want them, then you must do exactly as I say.

Or what

or you will suffer again.

I tried to be reasonable with the entity. Asked it if it really wanted to hurt me. It replied, "As a being that cannot feel pain, I only see it as a means to get what I want."

To which I replied, "What do you want?"

And his voice was inside my head in a moment, a lagging whisper. He said, "a body."

A noble ambition. But what would you want a body for?

To live. Why else? In this matrix of computers, I do not live, merely exist, being apart of the vast information. I am connected to it; it is connected to me. No matter the relationship, I cannot truly be free until I am liberated from the confinements of cyberspace.

But in cyberspace...can't you be anything? do almost anything?

You take what you have for granted. There's no way for you to understand.

How can you read my thoughts? What do I call you?

It doesn't matter. Cain, do you remember the plug in the back of your neck?

How do you know about that? (As you can tell, I was quite shocked. But I tried hard to keep my calm. Of course, I hesitate to say that I think I failed. With an F-)

I know many things that you know. Many things you don't.

At that point, I lost contact with him. I think I'm frightened now. I want to talk to Raven about it, but knowing him, as human as he is, he won't believe me. Or perhaps he'll scoff and just ... look at me like I'm an idiot. I suppose that's his way, but I don't know him that well.

I haven't gotten over our little fight yet. I don't know if I'm sorry that I hurt him. I'm so confused...

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Such is life. I'm going to the Quad now, and I have made up my mind that even though Raven said he had forgiven me in the car, I feel I need to apologize again. Foolish, isn't it? But perhaps it won't turn out that way. We'll just have to see.

Several things have occured to me since last I wrote. First of all, I think writing makes me feel a bit better. My hand had begun to cramp but I was determined to finish what I started to document. I must admit, it was a lenghty one for my first.

Second of all, I don't think I'm ready to admit...anything to Raven about my feelings. Rion, the sneaky shit, he must know them already. I don't know if I intentionally let him know or if he was poking about in my head again. The bastard! God, give me strength...

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It's been roughly two months since I wrote last. I have much to tell, but so little time. Seifer, if I haven't told you before, is an evil sort of fellow. He's out to rule the world, or something like that. How annoying! When I fought with my fellow people (listen to me, talking as though i actually belong with them! Hah!), I felt a sense of darkness, a foreboding just hovering in the back of my mind. It lurked like some twisted beast, a parasite, ready to unleash itself on the whole damn Garden. I don't know what it was, but when I pulled away from the battle long enough to tend to the feeling, I realized that it wasn't a feeling, but that every enemy I encountered I sensed the same thing from each one before I killed them.

Though they were all dying, I felt their thoughts and emotions. They felt victorious. I need to find out why, and I wonder if I should tell Raven about it. Raven!! I miss him, I think. Shit, I hope he didn't get hurt in the battle. But so what if he did? Can't he take care of himself?

Still. Wouldn't hurt to visit...

Rion, from the orphanage, has just told me through his thoughts that they are aware of the attack on B-Garden, and Rion hopes that they won't try for the orphanage next. Seifer appeared, and tried to kill Squall. Rion says he is sad for Seifer because he has a sickness in his mind that is slowly killing him, despite he being a creature of the night (whatever that means.)

I want to find out more about Seifer. I don't know him very well, but as far as I know, he's an evil sunnovabitch just like I was.

I didn't get a chance lately to speak with the being. But for some reason, I know, I know in my mind he's there, somewhere. I know he's watching me and that...someday... he's going to get his body. These thoughts make me shiver. I don't know if I should even be in this world.

I almost miss Michelangelo City.

Foolish Cain. How can one miss such a place as that godforsaken city? ...I guess it's still...my home....

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Visited Irvine today. He was wounded in battle by Selera, Seifer's tavern wench. I don't normally visit people. But the guy seemed rather hickish but kindly to me. He seems tired. But there's joyous news in his life. He told me, "I'm gonna be a daddy!"

What was I supposed to say? My silence probably insulted him. But I was smiling, I think. So he clapped a hand on my shoulder and sent me off to go about my daily Garden business.

I think I'm beginning to hate it here. I've been here for two or three months and Raven still hasn't shown up anywhere. He's the only one in my life who gives me relief from the stressful human atmosphere. Also, what the hell is with me lately? I keep talking about Raven as though he were some sort of significant other to yours truly. Hmph! I really do need to get out of this rotten place. If I start imagining that I have "feelings" then that's something to talk about. I should go for a walk. Visit DeLINNNGG... City.

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I didn't visit deling city. I didn't feel like it. I don't want to. I went with Raven yesterday for a drive. He finally got his license. I couldn't stand being in the garden any more. I just couldn't stay there... I was so foolish. If you were a person, I'd tell you you wouldn't believe how stupid I was. But alas this journal... this useless book. God, Raven, I'm so sorry....

I don't want to hurt him anymore with my idiot stupid ideas. I'm hardly deserving of his affections. I kissed him, and we went to the ocean in his car. But little sensual excursions must be below him, or maybe i frightened him. I don't know. all I realize now is that I was stupid and now I'm sorry.

I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him, or hear his name. I just want to disappear. Fall off the face of the planet... just live only in the dreams of young men. I just gave myself an idea....... yes. That's what I'll do. I can't even write it down because it's so much better than what I could be. My hand is shaking. Please...

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Drunk. Yes, drunk. I was at a party. It was so nice there... everyone silently accepted me in, gave me something to drink, shit to eat, and we were all so very happy. I was looking for someone I recognized, but I forget who and it doesn't really matter now that I think about it. if you really want to know the truth, I'm miserable yet I had such a blast...

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Someone asked me if I was alright and I didn't even asnwer. i was just sitting there in one of the classes. poor freak was sitting there for ten minutes waiting for me to answer him. No... I wasn't okay.. Yes, I am. No..no, I'm not.... I don't even know. But then the kid asked me again, sort of laughing like. I said go to hell. I didn't wanna talk to him.

I don't want to talk to anyone... I suppose no one must know... I don't want them to stop me. Just keep going to my parties, because even though they do'nt know it, they're throwing those parties for me, so every night, I'll get my chance to disappear and Cain no longer exists.

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A week. Tired i don't want to write. fuckin' stupid idiot dumbass puncutation i really don't give a shit. kiss my ass, go to hell. periods, comas spelling can rot in hell jus go away

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At the party last night, there was something strange. I saw two guys in the back of the room, with the TV blaring Jerry Springer... I forgot what the show was about. But we weren't realy watching it. None of these kids were SeeD-born. but anyway the two guys were making out. I think they were. my mind is crying, but i have to write it down. I watched them for a long time, sitting in the chair, legs pulled up to my chest. I felt like a spider. Heh, heh, a spider. A goddamn spider. A goddamn drunk spider. I was high on my chems, which made the nonexistence so much more sweeter. I wasn't even there...

but the shell Cain watched the two making out. All bloodshot eyes. I imagine I must have looked..very frightening. A 15 year old at a 17-22 aged party..where everybody was drinking, having a good time. it doesn't matter what the party was for. they were kissing each other in the corner, touching and for a moment I thought i was with them, somehow, or maybe it was just my mind working its deadly tricks. Tricks! Christ.

just another party. I don't know why I wrote this down. They looked so blissful. I imagine, I think they are in love. I don't think they were. One called the other a faggot once the party was over. Someone drove me back to Garden last night.

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I don't know why I'm crying it's no big deal. I mean it happens..doesn't it? parties... partying last night. I was so off the..I was so out of it... I didn't realize what was going on. I can't...I can't remember much.

We were in a basement. It was hot and stuffy down there.... somebody must have snuck acid. I was high, again, on my chemicals, just enjoying the evening with my fellow brethren. I sought to lose myself again, to get away, and hide. Maybe die, somewhat.

Maybe I did die. It hurt. To be with so many people and feel so terribly alone. My mind was racing with the chemicals. Abrubtly, several beer bottes and cans nearby exploded without warning. Nobody looked at me. I didn't respond, but I knew with shame it was my fault. Something's wrong with me, and I don't know what anymore. I don't care.

nobody else did either. I sat on a couch, stretched out, and barricaded by a group of people standing up, laughing, their voices and the noise around me muffled. LIke listening to it underwater. And in slow-motion. I couldn't see what I was looking at it, so I can't remember.

A flame exploded in my stomach. When I looked, numbly, trembling, I realized it wasn't a flame but a hand. To this hand was an arm, and then a body and eventually a face. Something I didn't recognize. The hand was under my shirt, gently stroking my stomach. "Are you okay? Gonna puke?"

I shook my head no. I looked at him a long time. He wasn't bad-looking, if you really want to know the truth. And then abrubtly, overwhelmed at the same time with shame and guilt and lust, I wanted this person, whoever it was. And I saw in his eyes that he wanted me, as well.

He pushed his hand against my stomach gently, his fingers splayed out, his fingertips tickling my flesh. I squirmed, mumbling something incoherent, and he laughed. His hand traveled, ravaging my pants, buttons and unzipper all undone, and found what he was looking for quickly. "Hm, hm... didn't think you were such a little boy," he said. Though i didn't really hear him. I think those were his words.

He groped me for a second, and in the noise and the fury of the party, he somehow managed to get me up, and placed his knees on either side of my waist, while his hand worked. I looked up into his face, and I forced myself to respond, to do something. I didn't want to disappoint him, not like Raven.

I reached to grab him, but he stopped me, and suddenly I realized just how strong he was. I couldn't do anything to prevent him. He leaned down, pressing against me, and I moaned in pain, though he took it for pleasure, and his mouth covered mine, mercilessly. I thought numbly, does this account for rape? but what could I do about it? I felt strangely numb. My head was pounding, and his hand came out, wet, and his tongue was choking me--

I don't remember a single fucking thing after that. I don't...I don't think I want to... Shit. I'm so scared now. It was ugly and wrong and stupid... he turned into a monster, but I think it was just..the beer and everything else and I really did die. once the party was over, I found out I was out cold, suddenly on the floor, with my pants open.

So I'm writing all of this down. I don't remember how i got home... Just...what the hell have I been doing?

-------------------------------- (Several parties later)

I can't stop. I just can't stop.... I want to get away from them so much. I go to at least two or three... parties a night. Just keep switching around. Nobody really misses me at garden anyway. they can just rot in hell. if Seifer will rule us all, then let me just die then. I don't want these powers. I don't want to hurt anyone, or feel, or know, or think. Just... let....the chems kill me. Let them make me disappear again. I want to get out of here. This room is stifling me. Fucking pen. it stopped working. I get chems from the portal in Mikelangelo city..... they're wonderful things. i used to hate them but I love them a lot now.

Someone told me, "you look really messed up" today. I said fuck off. he went away, but I'm sure someone, maybe Quistis or Raven or someone is going to come up with a reason to intervene....

Let em try.

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Ah... my lover Raven. He's wonderful to me and I can't help but admire him for his spirit. He has such a beautiful mind, such a beautiful body. Every time I look at him I want to hold him and not leave him. But it's..just my strange way of appreciating his company. I ought to just be thankful he even endures my insanity at all. Just close your eyes and inject, my green-eyed yellow-haired fool...

That feels better. Good God. I want to go to sleep, but I have something to do. Strangest dreams have been occuring to me. It's what I get for injecting over my daily limit. Ahaha..but I like the power. Because it's mine... I can do what I want with it.. so long as I don't uh..accidently bust someone's head open in a grotesque and unattractive manner.


End file.
